I’ve had a lot of problems in my life. Coming from a traumatic childhood, I trusted the wrong people again and again. That’s something a lot of trauma survivors deal with. When you’ve been used before, you end up seeing the best in people who don’t deserve it.
Over time I’ve learned there are some clear signs of narcissists. When you see these, just go. Don’t make excuses. You can’t fix them and you don’t owe them your peace.
- The love bombing
They disappear for ages and then suddenly they’re everywhere. Gifts, compliments, attention, nonstop messages. It feels amazing at first, and then before you know it you’re walking on eggshells. Later they’ll remind you of how nice they were, like it’s something you owe them for. - The creepy sweet voice
Think Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter, that fake sugary tone that makes your skin crawl. They use it when they want to trick you into agreeing to something that doesn’t feel right. - The explosive overreaction
Everyone gets defensive sometimes but narcissists go straight on the attack. Ask them an honest question or try to talk about a problem and they’ll blow up so you stop trying to see what’s really going on. - The stalking
They want you to know they’re watching. They’ll get friends to “pass messages” just to show they can reach you. They’ll try to get close to the people in your life, not because they care, but to have control. - The selective morality
They talk big about respect, boundaries, privacy, but it’s never about other people, only about themselves. Their version of “values” stops the moment it stops serving them. - The smear campaign
If you try to pull away or set boundaries, they’ll start turning people against you first. They’ll paint you as unstable or cruel so that when you finally speak up, no one’s listening. - The false benevolence
They’ll say they want what’s best for you but they never actually listen. It’s about fitting you into a role that makes them feel good about themselves. The second you stop playing along, they treat you like you’ve betrayed them. - The selective trust
They act like they’re open-minded and believe in freedom, but only when it benefits them. They ignore information that contradicts them. If someone else wants freedom in a way that doesn’t affect them, they act like it’s a personal attack. - The script flip
When you try to talk about problems, somehow it always becomes your fault. They’ll say they can’t help it or twist your words until you’re the one apologizing. Sometimes people really do have conditions that make things hard, but when it’s cruelty and manipulation, you have to protect yourself. - The erasure of self
You can’t be yourself around them. They demand your time and then demand you play a role. If you don’t give enough of yourself you’re selfish. If you show too much of who you really are, you’re “difficult”. There’s no space for your own thoughts or needs.
If you’ve been through this, the hardest part is realising they were never confused or misunderstood. They knew what they were doing, and they chose to do it. The kindest thing you can do for yourself now is to walk away and stop trying to make sense of people who thrive on chaos. Take that as advice from someone who has lost a lot of years of their life to this. You don’t owe anyone access to you just because anyone demands it.
One thing I can promise you is that if you learn to find someone who does love you for you, who cares about your wellbeing and your happiness the ability of narcissists to influence you will wane. But not everyone has that benchmark to compare to, and if you’ve had a difficult upbringing and other challenges in life then you might be vulnerable to manipulation and abuse like I was. I hope this list helps.