The audience cheers as the stage lights fade in to reveal a corner desk with a chair, adjacent to a blue fabric five seater sofa.
ANNOUNCER VOICE:
Welcome to the Guapo Kiki Show!
Coming to you live from the center of the universe!
And here's your host - Guapo Kiki!A tanned stocky man in his late 30s with white hair styled into a mohawk walks out onto the stage. He’s wearing sunglasses, a white pinstripe suit with pants that are flared and have tassles, evoking an Elvis quality. He takes his spot at the front and center of the stage, moves his hands over his mohawk, takes off his sunglasses and looks at the audience then smiles and nods, indicating he’s ready to deliver his opening monologue.
GUAPO KIKI:
Hello! Greetings to all our fabulous guests from across reality, unreality and all the spacetime in between. I'm your host Guapo Kiki and you've joined us for our special on The Meaning of Life!
Before I bring out our guests, let me explain tonights topic. As we all know, the universe was created by the dream of an amoeba on the planet Xorax-9, 27 billion years ago. Right outside our studio in fact!The display in the corner of the studio displays a microscopic image of a single celled life form with a caption that says “Jimmeh. The creator of all things.”
GUAPO KIKI:
What some of you may not know, is that far far from the universal center, where it's so cold they think that our broadcasts are something called "dark energy", is a little planet called Earth. And on that planet, they've developed a hilarious notion that life carries meaning and isn't the dream of a single celled organism. Can you believe that folks?Audience erupts in laughter
GUAPO KIKI:
But seriously, we shouldn't judge these simpler beings too harshly. While this concept is about as ridiculous as the notion of faster than light travel, we can at least enjoy a bit of amusement!
And so in that spirit, let's meet our first guest! She isn't just the embodiment of an Earth concept, but in fact an ethereal force that exists in every frame of reality. Give it up for Kayos!The audience applauds and cheers. A brown skinned woman in her 50s walks out wearing a bridal gown made of black velvet, it’s detailing includes roses made of leather and thorns made of titanium. She enters the stage and slowly lifts the veil to reveal her face. As her eyes are revealed she smiles.
KAYOS:
Hello universe. Did you miss me?The audience continues cheering. Guapo gestures for Kayos to sit down, and she does so at his desk.
GUAPO KIKI:
Sorry my dear, you're gonna have to move on to the sofa. This is my chair.KAYOS:
But isn't this where the star of the show sits?GUAPO KIKI:
Well, I'm the host of the show. I'm not sure if I qualify as a fusion powered gas based consciousness... Guapo politely attempts to grab Kayos’s arm to gesture her to get up, but she yanks it back, indicating she’ll fight him if he challenges her further.
GUAPO KIKI:
Okey dokey then. Well while she's doing that... let's meet our next guest! He single handedly introduced a third of his species to critical thinking. Too bad he didn't know the other two thirds already had it! Give it up for Socrates!A bearded Greek man wearing nothing but a simple robe walks out on the stage, his blackened dirty feet leave a bit of sand and dirt as he crosses the shiny studio floor. Guapo gestures him to sit at the couch.
GUAPO KIKI:
Kayos, if you don't mind...KAYOS:
Actually I DO mind.GUAPO KIKI:
OK!Guapo walks over from the front of the desk to sit next to Socrates
GUAPO KIKI:
Socrates, before I bring out our other guests. Let me just say you made a noble sacrifice for thought.SOCRATES:
I'm dead? But how can I be dead if I'm talking to you? Sitting here. In my finest robe.Socrates gestures to the ragged plain white robe he’s wearing, it perhaps wasn’t as well fitted to his old body as it once did.
GUAPO KIKI:
Hold that thought. Socrates, you died thousands of years ago. Billions of years if you travel conventionally through outer space.SOCRATES:
Holding a thought, what a fascinating idea! If we could just hold onto a thought forever perhaps...Guapo looks over at Kayos, hoping she’d interject with something interesting, Kayos shrugs and holds up her hands and gives him a sad face. Guapo Kiki gets up and addresses the audience.
GUAPO KIKI:
Time for our third guest! The Roman statesman Cicero, please give him a round of applause. Some might say he does it for the applause.Kayos takes note of that last part and sits up to look around, noticing the applause is given to someone else. The audience begins to also cheer loudly as a elderly gentleman of a stout build walks out in fine leather sandals wearing fine silk robes that have golden trim. He’s carrying a bag of coins.
GUAPO KIKI:
Welcome, Cicero. Please, take a seat.CICERO:
It would be my honour. But before I do, who do I pay for parking my chariot? My slave is currently sitting in the parking lot.Cicero sticks out his arm and jiggles the bag of coins, as if to indicate it contained something Guapo should want
GUAPO KIKI:
Are those... flakes of gold? Thank you... I assume this is rare and difficult for people to obtain where you are from. But it's not necessary here, please, sit down.Cicero looks around and realises Guapo and Kayos are wearing clothes of a fit, construction and material he’s never seen before. He may be outclassed here, he thinks, as he sits down.
CICERO:
My mistake good fellow, I shall reimburse you in the manner of your choosing at the appropriate time.The audience claps as he sits down.
KAYOS:
I've had enough of this!Kayos gets up from the hosts chair, marches over to the couch and sits down grumpily. Realising no one is applauding her, she then sticks her arms out and smiles to the audience. An applause breaks out as Guapo races to his chair and sits down before Kayos can react.
GUAPO KIKI:
Thank you for keeping my seat warm Kayos. And for taking your spot with the other guests.KAYOS:
It was only a joke, I wasn't confused. You shouldn't get so upset over a joke.The audience begins to laugh at Kayos’s attitude.
CICERO:
Excuse me, but who is this peasant seated next to me? I thought we were all of a certain standing here?SOCRATES:
So I am dead and this is some kind of... underworld? What are those men doing?Socrates points at the camera. Guapo smiles nervously, looks at the camera man and gestures at them to keep focus on him.
GUAPO KIKI:
Alright, time for our next guest! He's an incredibly accomplished psychologist and considered a great thinker of his era. Give it up for Sigmund Freud! Just don't tell him how you feel about your mother...A elderly Austrian man wearing a brown and tweed suit slowly shuffles out from behind the curtain with a briefcase that has loose bits of paper sticking out of it, as he walks some of the paper falls out.
GUAPO KIKI:
Welcome, before you sit down, you seem to have dropped something there. Do you need those?Guapo points to the dropped paper trail behind Freud.
FREUD:
Oh no, not again. Those are my mind maps! Now they're all going to be out of order.SOCRATES:
A mind.. map?GUAPO:
Don't start, Socrates. We'll get back to you in a second.KAYOS:
I'm a goddess, an aspect of the universe, inseparable from existence. What am I doing here amongst all of you stuffy tiny beings?GUAPO:
Great question! And actually entirely on track for tonights topic. Thank you, Kayos.
Sigmund Freud, you pioneered understanding of sexuality. But when I look at you, I don't see a man I would assume knows a lot about sex.FREUD:
Perhaps that says more about your inclinations than you realize.Freud sits down at the couch. They are seated in order of entering with Kayos sitting closest to Guapo.
GUAPO:
I am a eternal being who was produced asexually by a cosmic force. I don't experience sexual urges.SOCRATES:
Ah, a eunuch.KAYOS:
Really? Guapo Kiki, did they cut off your -GUAPO:
I.. OK and for our final guest - he's an accomplished comedian and commentator on the human condition. Please give a warm Guapo Kiki Show welcome to George Carlin!A bearded old man in his late 60s in a black shirt and jeans walks out with a water bottle and gives the audience a small wave and smiles, then moves his hand as if smacking away the excessive amount of praise.
CARLIN:
You know I told myself I was done with acid. But what do you know, another guest spot on the Guapo Kiki show, how you doing my man?The bearded old man looks at the room, at who is seated and then starts to move in for a handshake with Guapo, but stops. He then walks behind his desk and hugs him before walking over to the couch to sit down
GUAPO:
Good to see you again too George. How's New York?CARLIN:
What do you think? Noisy, dirty and full of assholes. It's New York! And I fucking love it.FREUD:
My, my. Do you always speak with such vulgarity?
Deeply troubling.CARLIN:
Hey mind your fucken business Mr "I wanna fuck my mommy."KAYOS:
Good one.The audience erupts in laughter as Freud turns bright red.
CICERO:
Such barbarism... hostility, yet such sharp rhetoric and it wins the audiences over. Is it possible to learn this power?Cicero grabs Carlin’s arm, reaching across Freud, begging to know.
CARLIN:
I wouldn't touch the repressed guy here too close, he may get the wrong idea. If you know what I mean.Carlin gestures with a wink while looking at Freud and Cicero. Cicero looks at Freud, whose eyes are closed and he yanks his hand back a little bit disturbed.
Kayos stands up and raises her arms to address the room, as if she is on a private stage addressing her subjects.
KAYOS:
Yes, everybody knows, Sigmund Freud is a pervert! What a loser!The audience looks on silently. Kayos looks around confused, wondering why no one is laughing.
SOCRATES:
Excuse me, but are you at war with these men? You appear to be quite combatative.Socrates looks at Kayos. She looks back at him and then at his dirty feet, groans in disgust and sits back down
GUAPO:
Before we continue, I just wanted to address something Cicero said earlier for our audience.Guapo nods over to the production team in recognition of what’s been said to him over his earpiece and then looks over at Cicero
GUAPO:
We found the gentleman attending your... vehicle. Hope you don't mind but we took the liberty of sending him to his native home country where some of his surviving family continue to thrive.CICERO:
Of course. My apologies, I should have known such an advanced culture would trade in slaves like every other mercantile civilisation. Though I am curious, if he is back in his home country, how is he to perform labors for you? Empty your chamberpot and wash your linens?GUAPO:
Riiight. Thanks Cicero.
Socrates. You have a very different set of values from Cicero, what do you make of his wealth?SOCRATES:
What is wealth? Is it the sum of all the things you own? Or what you know?
Perhaps - who you know may matter more than the others. For without context, what is value?KAYOS:
Geez, why you have to be such a filosof about everything? He just wants to know why you are poor and he's rich.FREUD:
Curious, the lady appears to describe philosophy in the negative. Yet we are gathered here today, in our capacity as philosophers, no?CARLIN:
Well I ain't no fucking philosopher. I don't even know her. Fuck her.The audience erupts in laughter.
CICERO:
I may own the most gorgeous villa in all of Rome, with a vast library containing the thoughts of sages including Socrates himself, but my riches pale in the presence of such oratory genius.Cicero looks at Carlin with genuine envy and curiousity
KAYOS:
You know what you sound like? Lorem ipsum, dolor set amet....CICERO:
Ah, so you are also a philosopher?KAYOS:
How dare you? I should smack you in the head where you sit.CICERO:
I don't understand.FREUD:
Understanding is not a final destination, it is the accumulation of testable observations that create a model.
Here, let me just grab one of my papers...Freud opens his suitcase and a pile of loose papers falls onto the ground.
CARLIN:
You shouldn't litter.Guapo Kiki looks at the distraction the paper is causing, waves to a producer and a pair of set hands quickly walk over to Freud to help him get his paperwork back in the briefcase.
KAYOS:
Don't let him lose anything. Every one of those papers is a beautiful garden full of tasty fruits that nourish me.SOCRATES:
Really? How do you nourish yourself on paper, exactly?Socrates and Cicero look at Kayos with wide open eyes, thinking this was a serious question. Freud and Carlin look at each other and shrug and also turn their attention to Kayos.
GUAPO KIKI:
Kayos, can you please refrain from using references and terms that are going to confuse our guests from antiquity? Be reasonable -Kayos rolls her eyes and looks away as Guapo Kiki is speaking to her. Freud fumbles through the mess of papers and finally finds what he was looking for and studies it for a second before interjecting
FREUD:
OK, according to my research, the human mind is not just an intelligence that is composed of the rational waking mind. But also processes a great deal of information during the sleep state, during dreams.KAYOS:
Ah dreams. There's a fun place to play.Freud looks at Kayos for a second and continues
FREUD:
And perhaps all this is determined by another place entirely.. the subconscious. But this is all just a theory, bleeding edge with much work still to be done.CARLIN:
Yes, everyone's a precious snowflake and an iceberg.Carlin stands up, takes a swig of water and then addresses the audience.
But you know what I know about icebergs? They sink ships, so you better get swimming Billy. Because the icebergs coming for ya!The audience laughs at the absurd image of an attacking iceberg being any kind of serious threat, not knowing about Earth history. Carlin looks at the audiences overly enthused reaction, laughs at the situation himself and sits back down.
SOCRATES:
What's an iceberg?GUAPO KIKI:
Moving on, let's talk about the Meaning of Life. Across the vastness of time and space, most conscious beings accept the laws of the universe. Earth, has a tendency to make rules of it's own.
Kayos, why is that?KAYOS:
Pass.The audience laughs at the immediate dismissal of a reasonable question and Kayos smiles
GUAPO KIKI:
OK, Socrates?SOCRATES:
Pass.GUAPO KIKI:
NO, you cannot. Why would you even say that?SOCRATES:
I misunderstood the situation, I thought we were moving down the line until we found someone who was confident in their answer.
For my part, we can't really say if there is meaning to life. Only that life is, and that something must be creating it.
Perhaps we could assume the creators intention for life is meaning, but that is just one way to think about it.KAYOS:
Bloody filosof.GUAPO KIKI:
Right, and what is it about philosophy that angers you so, Kayos?KAYOS:
I am disorder, I am an agent of entropy.
Their work makes my role difficult. When they create their... opinions.CICERO:
Pardon me, but I might inquire if you distinguish between opinions and facts? You seem to be treating them as one.KAYOS:
It's you who are treating them as two separate issues! They are one and the same, facts are just the opinions we choose not to let go of.SOCRATES:
Well, that's not true.FREUD:
Actually... Kayos may have a point here.KAYOS:
Shut up Freud, I don't need your help.CARLIN:
She's a feisty one isn't she?Carlin looks over at Kayos, hoping to dissuade her with humour from being too aggressive. She glares at him and then looks away.
CICERO:
I believe that facts are not the same as opinions. You cannot conduct trade, build a bridge or produce weapons of war without knowledge of facts.
You can have differing opinions over facts, but they carry a different meaning, a different layer of understanding.
To confuse the two would not just be an error of logic, but perhaps the start of a tragedy leading to one's demise.GUAPO KIKI:
George, do you have anything to add before we move on?CARLIN:
Something we seem to have in common, here on Earth, is we like making shit up. Not knowing things is scary, you know?
We're just a bunch of dumb apes, who only very recently left the jungle I might add...some of us are on drugs. I know I've gotta be if I'm here!
We look up at the sky, we don't know how we got here so we tell each other stories. Stories about what things are, why things happen, why your dad left. It definitely wasn't cause of you Billy.The audience laughs
FREUD:
The true nature of reality may be unknowable. According to my research, the human mind organises reality based on two principles - pleasure and reality. An animal, or a young child, will defer to their id, or their pleasure, to make decisions.
A mature person learns to defer pleasure, ensuring it exists at some point in their future. We learn to use our ego to persevere through suffering, to reach a future pay off.CICERO:
Earum rerum hic tenetur a sapiente delectus, ut aut reiciendis voluptatibus maiores alias consequatur aut perferendis doloribus asperiores repellat.GUAPO KIKI:
Can you translate that for us please, Cicero?CICERO:
The wise man is bound by the pleasures of these things, so that either by rejecting greater pleasures he may attain others, or by enduring more severe pains he may repel them.KAYOS:
There goes the Roman filosof with his lorem ipsum again!
Hey Freud, didn't his people commit genocide against your people?FREUD:
The land known as Austria where I originate from is a far different place from the wildlands of ancient Germania that the ancient... Roman... contemporaries of our friend here travelled.KAYOS:
OK you passed, but did you have to be such a filosof about it?Freud looks at Kayos, totally stunned and then looks at Guapo who is impatiently waiting for his guests to finish talking so he can start the next segment.
FREUD:
Socrates, Cicero. May I just say you were such inspirations to me growing up.
My parents forced me to attend the Sperl Gymnasium in Vienna, there I excelled at Latin and Greek studies. Your work on thought and logic were foundational to my understanding of the human mind.CARLIN:
Yeah sure, such a good understanding of the human mind.
Meanwhile, the audience are so bored, I'm pretty sure I saw one guy back there making a noose!The audience giggles
CARLIN:
And look, that lady just pulled a nail file out of her bag. Remember honey, it's across, not down the road.The audience laughs. Kayos gets up and raises her arm to declare something.
KAYOS:
These filosofs are so difficult, they make getting bored too easy!The audience stops laughing. Kayos looks around, feeling betrayed and sits back down
GUAPO KIKI:
Thank you Kayos.
Philosophers, clearly the embodiment of chaos is not a fan of your work. What are your thoughts on her influences on the universe?SOCRATES:
Well, from what I've seen here I think the lady is a temptress.
Kayos is a wicked woman who corrupts the human soul and society.
Through reason, she can be defeated.KAYOS:
Never. You don't have the power.FREUD:
I'm not so sure, Lady Kayos. I have been watching your body language and when any of us thinkers speak, you tense up and begin to breathe faster.
You may be a manifestation of a force, but your responses remain very human. Very readable.Kayos huffs and turns to face away from the group, towards Guapo Kiki, but doesn’t make eye contact with him and instead looks past him at the staging
CICERO:
Like Freud, I too studied the works of Socrates and have drawn many lessons from the Socratic tradition into my thinking.
My philosophy is that chaos is not just a force, but a sign of corruption. The world naturally tends towards order through the divine power of creation, it is therefore human influence that creates true chaos.
When chaos appears, it leads to the collapse of society. As we saw with Julius Caesar.CARLIN:
Geez, get a newer reference will ya please?CICERO:
Sure. As we saw when agents trained by America flew planes into the World Trade Center in New York City on September 11, 2001.CARLIN:
...CICERO:
I may be dead, but I read the news. You know they still use my writing to design layouts?The audience claps and cheers for Cicero
GUAPO KIKI:
Freud, you observed Kayos looks uncomfortable when philosophers are reasoning. Do you have any opinions on that?FREUD:
I have a theory, that I believe calls for an experiment. However I am not sure how we may go about studying Kayos in an unconscious state.KAYOS:
Hah. You think you could knock me out? Just try it and see what happens.GUAPO KIKI:
Do you have anything you would normally use to sedate a patient in your briefcase?FREUD:
Yes, this syringe contains a drug that would sedate an ordinary man.
Kayos, I know this is terribly unethical but if you could indulge my curiosity. I can see your breathing is already rapidifying as I speak.
I wonder if the effect of my speech is having a effect on you physiologically or emotionally. To test this, we need to put you under so we can observe your body when we speak but you are not listening.KAYOS:
Did you say something? I wasn't listening.The audience laughs
GUAPO KIKI:
Well, it sounds like we have an interesting hypothesis here. In the interests of your Earth magic known as science, the producers have authorised your syringe to work on Kayos.KAYOS:
Hah! So you think it's that easy? OK little doctor, come over here when you're ready and try it.CARLIN:
If you ask me, the lady seems like a good time but you know she's one of those girls who likes to fuck a lot.
First she fucks you. Then she fucks your belongings. Then she fucks your whole life up. Finally, she fucks off! To the next group of people she'll fuck over.
Kayos is one crazy lady if you ask me.KAYOS:
Rawr. You wanna fuck me? Buy me a drink first!The audience laughs again
CARLIN:
Lady, I'm in my late 60s. I couldn't fuck you if my wife's life depended on it.Freud walks over to Kayos with the syringe
FREUD:
OK, this will just be a small prick.KAYOS:
Yes, I could see it when you walk.The audience erupts in laughter. As Freud is nearly before Kayos, she sticks out her leg and trips him over, the syringe flies out of his hand and lands in Guapo Kiki’s neck.
GUAPO KIKI:
Oh dear... I....Guapo Kiki slumps into his chair , motionless. Kayos gets up from the couch and struts to the desk, pushes Guapo Kiki off the chair onto the floor and sits down.
KAYOS:
Finally, let's get the real show started.The lights dim slowly for a moment, and then darken faster until it’s pitch black
ANNOUNCER VOICE:
Welcome to Chaos! The best show ever.
Today's defendants are Socrates, Cicero, and Freud. Their counsel, Guapo Kiki.A spotlight shines on the group standing at their position in the court room, except for Guapo Kiki who is passed out in a chair.
A second spotlight appears over the jury stands. George Carlin is sitting in the stands alone.
ANNOUNCER VOICE:
The plaintiff is Kayos. As is the judge. Isn't that awesome?Two additional spotlights appear, revealing Kayos at the plaintiffs stand in her original outfit and the judge at the front of the court room, apparently a copy of Kayos, in judges robes.
JUDGE KAYOS:
Filosofs, I find you guilty of being difficult. Of making me emotional.
Plaintiff, please continue listing the crimes.CICERO:
This won't stand! This legal proceeding is a farce unlike any real trial.Judge Kayos bangs the gavel aggressively and rapidly, far more than is normal
JUDGE KAYOS:
SILENCE PRAETOR! You will be silent and listen to the injured party. You will not speak until I am done speaking.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Thank you, my honor.George Carlin begins to smile at the spectacle and sits back in his chair to enjoy the show. The other men are feeling quite differently, whispering to each other about what to do. Occassionally three philosophers glance at the still incapacitated Guapo Kiki beside them.
PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Socrates. You disrupt the natural chaos of things through your incessant deconstructions.
Do you know how hurtful it is to see destruction used to create rigidity? I HATE IT!Socrates looks over at Plaintiff Kayos, absolutely stunned by her shift into shrill screaming
SOCRATES:
I apologise for any harm I imparted on you, my dear. My intention was not to destroy anything but rather to understand.Socrates pauses for a second, and looks at Plaintiff Kayos who looks ready to explode.
JUDGE KAYOS:
OBJECTION! We are already aware of your crime Socrates, you don't need to re-commit it in front of us.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Sustained. Thank you, my honor. Socrates, your humility is an act. For all your asceticism optically, you are a relentless moral hedonist. And for that I find you guilty. How do you plead?Socrates is staring at the plaintiff with his mouth wide open, completely stunned. Cicero notices this and whispers something into his ear. Socrates smiles.
SOCRATES:
I plead not guilty your honour. For it is not a crime to reason, to question nor to examine.Plaintiff Kayos takes off her red leather stiletto heel and throws it at Socrates, he dodges and it hits Guapo Kiki, who flinches but stays unconscious.
Judge Kayos bangs the gavel aggressively.
JUDGE KAYOS:
Enough. We've heard enough of that filosof for this trial. Socrates, this court finds you guilty as charged. Sentencing will be administered upon conclusion of the trial.
Cicero, you are next. Plaintiff, read the charges.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Praetor Cicero. Your attempt to corrupt Socrates further in the ways of legal process and civil structure and "responsible power" was disgusting. You are nothing but a cow.Cicero tilts his head and squints, thinking he may have misheard that last accusation.
PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Casinos. Brothels. Art. Good art. None of these could happen if everyone traded short term pain for a future pleasure. You lorem ipsum everything and call it wisdom. You're like a rain on a parade. What do you have to say for yourself? Vibe killer!CICERO:
I'm not unfamiliar with this you know. It's taken me time to adjust to the knowledge I have while in this place, but I know about Caligula and you are just like him.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Thank you. That was the nicest thing you've said to me so far.Cicero laughs, unable to think of what else to say.
JUDGE KAYOS:
Sigmund Freud, you have been very quiet so far. And I hate that. You are judging me right now with your tiny eyes and stupid tweed jacket. What are you thinking about over there instead of talking to us? Your friends could have used your help you selfish academic.FREUD:
You're attempting to reverse the established norms of discourse and values. To prosecute us for pursuing knowledge, truth and wisdom highlights perhaps that your values are not ones we should want to follow. You created this stage after you felt threatened by us, that is my current theory.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
You're in contempt of court! This is a trial and you are the defendant. How dare you question my honor? I am a sovereign being! I make my own decisions and I do not apologise for existing. I will defend myself when attacked.FREUD:
Your notion of an attack is a perverse one. Logic dictates that while you may genuinely experience harm through the innocent actions of others, it is exactly the nature of those actions - innocence - that means you cannot blame others for how you feel inside.Plaintiff Kayos takes off her other shoe and throws it at Freud, he holds up his briefcase to block it and it bounces off and into Guapo Kiki, who groans but remains unconscious.
Plaintiff Kayos smacks her hands on the desk rapidly, as if she is using her fists like gavels
PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
I've heard enough of this! Your honor, I believe it is time for sentencing.JUDGE KAYOS:
Thank you, myself. George Carlin, you are the head juror. How do you find the defendants?CARLIN:
Well, I found them pretty boring to start with. But then I noticed this little melodrama you've got going here wasn't as fun as you advertised at the start. I mean hey, I'm a curious guy and I like to see new things happen. But lady, nothing you're doing here is new. In fact, it's pretty damn old. And tiring.PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
OBJECTION! The jury is in contempt of court! He cannot provide sentencing if he is also guilty.JUDGE KAYOS:
Carlin, please remand yourself to the defendants desk. You are now on trial.CARLIN:
Sure, whatever you say lady.George walks over to the defendants desk.
PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
George Carlin. You claim to just be an observer, a rhetor who amuses people. And yet you dispense genuine insights and filosof ideology within your comedy. You are poisoning the minds of people who just want an easy laugh with your onion of meaning. What do you have to say for yourself?CARLIN:
Well first of all, fuck you. Secondly, fuck this trial. Thirdly, how long are you gonna indulge yourself in this performance? You called Freud a loser earlier, but looking at the fuss you're making about feeling personally offended at the actions of others, I think it's pretty clear there's only one loser in this room. And it's not any of us.Carlin uses his hands to gesture at himself and his fellow defendants.
CARLIN:
The problem is you!Carlin sticks out his right arm, raises his middle finger at Judge Kayos while holding an angry expression on his face.
Judge Kayos throws her gavel at George, but it misses and hits the desk instead, bounces off of it, hits Guapo Kiki in the knee causing him to raise his leg and kick the falling gavel back into the judge squarely in her forehead. Guapo Kiki murmurs but remains unconscious while the judge is seething with rage.
SOCRATES:
The scholar with the mouth of filth has opened my mind.
Kayos, you believe that you alone are the center of reality.
I regret to inform you that that is simply an error in how you view things around you.Judge Kayos and Plaintiff Kayos begin to try covering their ears, apparently so flustered by these observations they became helpless
SOCRATES:
I choose not to be poor, but to truly value what is around me. That is why I have no need for fancy things.CICERO:
My lady. Even I can see you have a great taste in garments, however the fellows beside me are right.
You do not appear to wear these fine things because you appreciate the craft, nor do you appear to possess a desire to project sophistication.
Your entire appearance is based on an entitlement to be the center of attention.FREUD:
Yes, your view of the world is a vain one, that is why you perceive Socrates' simple needs as a negative. Perhaps even a threat to how you view things.Judge Kayos reaches below her desk to pick up the gavel, knocks her head on the desk as she gets up and bangs it slowly as the pain from the desk impact sets in
JUDGE KAYOS:
Order... there will... be order in my court room.CARLIN:
Court room? You ruined a perfectly good TV show to make a freak show.JUDGE KAYOS:
I'll ruin you if you don't shut up.CARLIN:
Try it! This place isn't a normal dimension like ours is it? No. That's what's got you so scared.
We're in a place where words don't just have meaning, they define reality.
There's nothing that chaos hates more than limits. And boy did you pick a fight with the wrong crew!PLAINTIFF KAYOS:
Stop it! You're killing her!Judge Kayos begins to melt into her robe, Plaintiff Kayos rushes over to help, but it’s too late. The copy dissolves in her own arms. Plaintiff Kayos pretends to mourn, even cry for a moment, then she breaks out into laughter.
KAYOS:
You fools. All you did was destroy a puppet. Now I will take you down with all my might.Plaintiff Kayos sits at the judges desk, and the name tag’s Judge title disappears, leaving only Kayos
SOCRATES:
Might? Even a child can recognise the temper tantrum for attention you are projecting.
This entire trial was designed to shame us, but we are not ashamed for our virtues.KAYOS:
You dirty foot homeless looking bastard. LOL! You think you can defeat me?CICERO:
I believe we already have, now we are simply waiting for your time to run out.
The pursuit of perfection is usually a noble one, but you have corrupted it with your conceitedness.FREUD:
Perhaps your desire to avoid criticism stems from a deep rooted sense of shame.
Kayos. Are you ashamed of what you are?KAYOS:
I AM NOT ASHAMED! I AM PROUD. IT IS YOU who should be ashamed, of attacking a vulnerable woman. I'm old.. so old and frail, you should be kind to old ladies....A single tear runs down Kayoses face as she looks down at the men from the judges stand, somehow in this moment her wrinkles and frailties seem more apparent
CARLIN:
You must think we're idiots. Well as I believe we've shown you, we're not idiots. Fools? Yeah, probably. But not idiots.SOCRATES:
I pity you Kayos. For you are merely a prisoner of your own nature. You are incapable of what makes us free - of self reflection or change in perception. If we are all in a cave together, we are men who can leave. But you always shall remain a stone. Stuck in the cave, part of the cave.CICERO:
Moments ago, you commanded this room as both iudex and accusator.Carlin looks at the camera and shrugs
CARLIN:
He means judge and plaintiff. The two fake roles Kayos was playing in her failed court room drama.CICERO:
Quite. Lady Kayos, you cannot demand the protection of a frail elderly person in the same room you all too recently declared to you were a goddess.
Which is it then? Goddess or crone? I suspect it is us who decides for you, that is why it's so important for you to make us see things your way.FREUD:
Of course! That is the role of chaos in our world, also. We are merely witnessing her manifest.
Gentlemen, I just want to add something here because I believe we may have too closely matched our adversaries tone.
Kayos, you are a necessary part of the universe. Powerful. Mysterious. But life cannot be ruled by chaos, must not be defined by it.KAYOS:
I wasn't doing that! You filosofs are all putting words in my mouth.... too maany... I can't breatheKayos grabs at her throat as if she is being choked and trying to push the hands away
CARLIN:
Oh cut the bullshit, will you please? You've lost!
Time for you to go back in the box, Kayos.KAYOS:
Screw you guys, I'm going home!Kayos runs out of the room in the girliest way possible, swishing her hips from side to side and waddling her arms on either side with her hands awkwardly open and facing out. She looked like a startled black flamingo attempting to make a run for it
GUAPO KIKI:
What the hell... who did this to my set?Guapo Kiki is sitting upright in the chair, having just awakened as Kayos left the room
CARLIN:
No time, I think the producers are calling on you to wrap it up.George Carlin helps Guapo Kiki stand up from the chair, Guapo is visibly sore and bruised in a few places from the flying objects previously.
As Guapo Kiki adjusts himself, the lights fade to black, then brighten again to reveal the original set with the four philosophers seated. Kayos is gone.
Guapo Kiki smiles and takes the center stage.
GUAPO KIKI:
I'm afraid that's all we have time for folks! I'm going to be rewatching the taping to figure out what happened exactly, but I hope this was a fun look at the quaint beliefs they have on Earth.
Let's give it up for our guests! Please give a big round of applause for Kayos!The audience applauds and Kayos runs back into the room to bow and smile. Then she takes one look at the philosophers seated and quickly runs off stage again, apparently a little scared of them now
GUAPO KIKI:
Socrates!Socrates looks at the audience in bemusement
GUAPO KIKI:
Cicero!Cicero smiles at the audience and waves confidently
GUAPO KIKI:
Freud!Freud adjusts his glasses to look at the audience, and then goes to grab something from his briefcase thinking he has time.
GUAPO KIKI:
George Carlin!George smiles and waves
The entire visual of the stage begins to deform into bubbles and morphs into a family sitting around the dinner table at Christmas. But the family are giant single celled organisms
JAMOA:
Jimmeh! Did you fall asleep at my parents table? At Christmas?JIMMEH:
Sorry guys.. I had the weirdest dream again. There was a world made of us... but like.. a lot of us.JOBUD:
Son, have you been eating chlorine again? What did I tell you about drugs when you started seeing my daughter?JIMMEH:
I swear, no drugs sir. It seemed so real. A universe, filled with multi cellular life and they all just went about their lives like we do... but... bigger?JAMOA:
That's my husband. Always the dreamer.